Unacceptable Love

The world according to ExposureMom


LOVE DOESN'T HURT!!!!!!!!

As much as I've loved myself and thought the world of how smart, beautiful, funny and caring I am; I have found myself in not the best relationships and friendships.

Why?

Because in my developing years, someone gave me mixed messages about love.

They've hurt my feelings, crushed my spirits and dreams, insulted me, scared me, abused people I've love but still were able to mouth the words "I love you."

I would start thinking of strategies to get this person not to say or do hurtful this. I would change what I say and do. I would try to get them to love me right. That is unacceptable love.

2 things that I see:

1. Facebook videos with parents of savagely beating their children. 

Whenever they post these videos, people go on and on about how the parent is right for "whooping" their kids.

It's not right, it's called abuse. This will lead to low self-esteem, poor communication from parent to child etc.

When we watch films like 12 Years a Slave we are appalled by the violence but when we see whipping on minors we encourage it.

What happened that lead to the child's "improper" behaviors?



I just saw a Facebook post where a parent gave his kid a humiliating haircut for bad grades, how about helping him with his work, talking to the child, hiring a tutor.  



Humiliating your child is not the answer.  

Perhaps talking, praying, consulting others would be a practical way of handling it.



2. Reality shows with African-African and Latino women fighting each other

I have hosted and gone to many events with woman and there were disagreements and it never lead to hair pulling, drinks poured in faces, or fist fights.

But when I watch these shows people use words like "She deserved it"

We cannot tell our children that it's ok to hit if someone says something that they don't like.

No one deserves to be hit because they've said something that they don't like.

*****

I grew up in a different era in Prospect Heights Brooklyn. 

I remember peers saying that their parents would say things like "If someone hits you, you better beat them up because if you don't; when you come home, I will beat you up" Usually this statement had curse words in it.

Imagine the fear of that.  How can you concentrate when you go to school?  And how does the kid who is coming from a non-violent home fair in that environment.


I have had school yard fights etc.  The 80's and 90's were ridiculously violent in Brooklyn, but as Maya Angelou said "When you know better you do better"

After watching Oprah's 20 year anniversary where several times she talked about not spanking children and that when the bible says "Spare the rod and spoil the child" it was misinterpreted.  The rod is meant to lead the child and when you don't lead them the right way, they spoil or rot.

Either way, I have chosen not to spank, criticize or devalue my children.  There are tons of successful people whom have not been spanked or humiliated. 




Love Does Not Hurt

ExposureMom

Easter. Another Sugar Holiday.

Easter, in secular terms, goes on a long list of sugar filled holidays. 

Valentines - Heart shapes boxes filled with candy

Birthdays - cakes with icings and GOODY bags. 

Thanksgiving - Pies and cakes

Christmas - Candy canes, cakes and pies

There always seems to be other occurrences when there is candy, candy, candy!!!

This year, I decided that we would do FRUIT BASKETS. I told a few people and was told Kelly Ripa grew up getting fruit baskets. 

On February 23rd, my kids picked their three favorite fruits each. 

Easter basket fruit

My son:

Clementine

Grapes

Cherries  

My daughter:

Watermelon 

Oranges

Clementine 

My kids both chose clementines and I definitely know why. 

They can devour a bag of those little treats. Clementine are seedless, easy to peal and delicious. 

  

The day before Easter, I wasn't feeling well.  But moms are superheroes  and there are no breaks for superheroes. 

Well, I went to pathmark and behold no clementine and cherries!

So I bought

Oranges

Strawberries (another favorite of the youngins)

Watermelon

Grapes

Mandarin fruit cups

Mangos (another favorite)

I separated the fruit and put it in baggies and put it in their baskets. 

I really wish I could've got my B Smith or Martha Stewart on, but like I said, I was sick.  I still had to cook and I was hosting Easter dinner. 

In the end, the children ate the fruit with no complaints. They actually enjoyed it and no one mentioned the missing fruit. 

Good thing we made the list almost two months ago. 

Phew, maybe this will pay off with fewer dental visits. 

Exposuremom

A SEIT Supervisors? What's that? Understanding PreSchool Special

I always have to explain what I do for a living. No one ever knows what a SEIT Supervisor is. Well I'm sure people can grasp the term supervisor, but a SEIT, what's that?

SEIT - Special Education Itinerent Teacher 

Does that explain anything?  

No. 

A SEIT teacher is a NYS certified teacher with a special education license or students with a disability license birth through grades two license. 

This professional works 1:1 with a preschooler between the ages of 3-5 who has cognitive or social emotional delays. Usually children receive between 5-10 hours per week in a school or home setting. 1-2 hours per day of 1:1 special education. 

The hours of service range based on the child's level of delay and impairment or quite honestly the parents sophistication. The savage inequalities are found in every level if education. But I digress. 

This preschooler is first evaluated by a company contracted by the department of education. The parents and district administrator and representative from the contracted agency have a meeting a decide first whether there is a delay.  Five areas of developmental domains are screened. 

1. Cognitive (thinking, learning, reasoning, problem solving)

2. Social Emotional (relation to adults and peers; following directions and transitioning)

3. Motor Development 

*Fine Motor - grasping, hand eye coordination, mainly things you do with your fingers. 

*Gross Motor - running, throwing, jumping, muscle tone, strength, balance and coordination

4. Speech and Language Development

Expressive Language (how they express themselves, how they retell a story)

Receptive Language (how they answer basic question, label familiar objects and actions)

5. Daily Living Skills - Bathing, feeding, dressing up, etc

If a preschooler has a quantifying delay of 33% in one area or 25% in two or more areas, they qualify for extra help and services through the department of education. 

A legal document called an IEP (Individualized Educational Plan) is created that details what services the child with receive and what goals the child will work on. 

All services at this point are optional. Parents can always decline services or have a reconvene if they feel more or less services are needed. 

The record of the evaluation and services remain in the students record. 

At this age children do not get a diagnosis. All children who receive services are labeled Preschoolers with a Disability even if the child has Down's syndrome, blindness, autism, etc. 

 All the services are given through CPSE, the committee on preschool education. 

Services offered. 

1. Special class in a center-based program. 

These classes are designed for children with cognitive and social emotional delays. All the children in these classes have an IEP. Class ratios typically range from:

6:1:1 - 6 teachers, 1 NYS certified special education teacher, 1 certified teaching assistant 

8:1:1 - 8 teachers, 1 NYS certified special education teacher, 1 certified teaching assistant 

12:1:1 - 12 teachers, 1 NYS certified special education teacher, 1 certified teaching assistant 

*Some classes may have 1-2 more certified teaching assistants. 

*Some school over enroll by 1-2 children so the number of kids may increase after the child is enrolled. 

2. SEIT - Special Education Itinerent Teacher

Many administrators request that the child be in school so that the professional can work on both cognitive and social goals. 

3. Related Services. 

Based on need the child can get one or more of the following services. 

a. Speech Therapy - a certified speech therapist works 1:1 with the child to work on speech, language and communication goals. 

b. Occupational Therapy - a certified occupational therapist works 1:1 with the child to work on fine motor goals. Grasping, hand eye coordination, sensory integration, etc. 

c. Physical Therapy -  a certified physical therapist works 1:1 with the child to work on gross motor goals. Running, jumping, climbing skills, muscle and core strength, etc. 

The therapist can give the services in the home, preschool, center-based school or at a clinic. 

The typically mandates are:

2X30- twice per week for thirty minutes

2X45- twice per week for forty five minutes

 

*Some children receive it three times per week. 

My job is to visit the SEITS at the site or home that they are giving services and see how things are going. Give pointers as needed. Resolve issues if they arise. Support families and children. I also attend the initial meetings and explain the evaluations to the family and discussing what services are needed. 

I also review paperwork. Quarterly and annual reports updating the child's response to treatment and growth since receiving services. 

I have several NYS teaching certification but my NYS School Building Teacher certification allows me to supervise. I'm a traveling "principal". 

My two cents. 

1.  I have seen great improvement with the majority of children that I've supervised. 

2.  There is no uniformaty in how services are given out.

A child getting 10 hours of SEIT in East NY does not resemble the child getting 10 hours of SEIT in the upper east side. And that is seen with every service. 

3. A parents sophistication is a great contributing factor in what services the child gets. 

4. Cultural differences. More affluent parents want all of the services that will give their child an advantage. They don't fear the stigma of "special education". They are even willing to push back entering kindergarten for a year so that their child can "catch up"

Some less affluent families fear special education. There are children with obvious delays in all areas of development and the parents say things like "He just needs speech."

Tip 1 - some services can be provided through your health insurance. 

Tip 2 - Get the services if your child needs them. Ask questions. Research the companies that you get the services from. Don't rush to make decision. 

The Single Mom, Dating and the Big City

I am so fortunate to have the most amazing man in my life. He is smart, kind, handsome, thoughtful and loving. I'm so blessed.


But I've kissed some frogs to get my prince.


Being single in NY is difficult.  But being in your thirties and having children can make looking for "Mr. Right" even more difficult.

Here are 10 tips to dating regardless of your family status.

1. Go out! -
It may seem obvious but so many people say they don't meet anyone but they never go out. There are tons of ways to meet professional adults in the big city. There are after work event, day parties, brunches, networking events, etc. Just going out for a walk around your neighborhood could spark up something.  If you cannot get out try online dating.

2. Think of dating as making friends -
Go out with the intention of making new friends. Sometimes women judge men too quickly.  Some women have list and expect a man to meet all of the characteristics, but if you open yourself up to people, you never know what may happen. And if that person does not end up being Mr. Right at least you've made a new friend.

 3. Don't always listen to your friends -
Misery loves company and sometimes when your friend is not ready to date, they want you to be unattached as well.  A good friend will support your quest to find love without any negatives.  It may be time to expand your circle of friends if all your friends want to do is Scandal get-togethers.

4. Smile - 
Do you notice that some women always meet knew men? Chances are they are smiling and being friendly.  Everyone is attracted to a positive person.  Try your best to be cheerful.

5. Love your body -
I don't know about you, but my body has changed drastically since having children.  The body I used to complain about is the body I wish I had now.  But I am very appreciative of the body I have.  I can walk, run, dance and I am very grateful that I was able to carry two human beings in my body.  So appreciate your body. 

Plus there is a saying that I heard from a friend, "There's a pot for every lid". There is someone for everyone. 

6. Honesty -
Honesty is the number one thing we all want in a partner.  We want to feel like we can trust the person that we are with.  We must be honest when meeting new people.  Let them know your quirks, interest, as well as any family or health or mental health issues that you may have.  All people have things that they'd rather keep hidden but being honest is a good way to create an honest relationship and to find out if this person can really accept you for who you are flaws and all. 

7.  Dress your Best -
That one time you decide to run to the store in your house sweats, a head tie and beat up sneakers; is the day you see your arch nemesis, your celebrity crush and your child’s teacher.   So make every effort to step out looking your best.  If you feel good about how you look you feel more confident and open to meeting new people.

8. Uncle this, Mr. That, Introducing your kids to who you are dating-
Introducing your kids to everyone you date can be confusing and frustrating to your little ones.  Take time to get to know someone before you introduce them to your kids.  Initially introduce them casually as a friend.  No titles needed.  If you introduce your date as your boyfriend, your child may start imagining you getting married to this person and that comes with a whole lot of feelings and concerns that may be premature.  

Making sure this person is a good match for you and your kid(s) is important.  Be sure to assess how your child(ren) feels about it.  

Break-ups are hard for adults and hard for children as well.  Speak to them about their thoughts and feelings if there is a break-up.

9. Be ok with being single
I know this sounds counterproductive but when all you are thinking about is your biological clock and getting married, you may not be sending a confident vibe.  You may be coming off too needy or too anxious.  Be ok with your single lifestyle, be confident with who you are.

10. Laugh
Don’t take the process to serious.  Have fun.  Be open to new experiences and enjoy yourself.

ExposureMom